Revelations

As I look ahead to what life will bring me in 2010, I am choosing to not participate in "Resolutions". However, the last year has definitely brought me some revelations about changes that I need to make to my life, and I will share those here.

I should be keeping a cleaner house. This should not be too difficult in the next year, even given the fact that I now have a child to care for, because the standards are not set very high. If I vacuum more than once a month, clean the bathroom more than once every other month, dust once every six months, and make sure there are no dirty dishes before I go to bed, I will pretty much be making a huge leap from the past 30 and one-half years.

I must continue to eat at home more. I am very excited about the prospect of making baby food for my little guy, and after two weeks of shop and prep on Sunday for the week ahead, I can make this achievable. My husband and I like to cook, and little man is becoming more content to play alone in the exersaucer or playmat (although this morning while we were eating oatmeal and watching the VH1 countdown, he kept rolling onto his tummy, pushing up, and looking at us sideways grinning, which is absolutely the most adorable thing I've ever seen)! I actually watched a Taco Bell commercial last night and went "ugh...that no longer looks appetizing in any way". Not to say that I don't like a good Big Mac now and then, just that maybe I can really stick to the rule we're trying to set of only eating lunch out once a week at work. Also, we're trying to get into breakfast casseroles to cook on Sunday so that neither of us will be tempted by Bacon biscuits and Bo'Rounds before work. I'm a Southern girl...bagels don't cut it...I need something with egg, meat, and cheese to really feel satisfied for breakfast. If I bring yogurt to work I will do anything possible (including arriving 5 minutes late) to get that salty fix.

Which brings me to a not-so-subtle revelation that I've kept on a corner in the back of my mind for some time now: at 5'9" and 235 pounds, I am obese. I am no longer in the "barely obese" category, but in the full-on, at risk for every disease imaginable level of obesity. My husband, god bless him, still calls me sexy and makes me feel pretty, but I know I haven't felt that way for a very, very long time. And I really can't chance the fact that my little boy's mom could die of heart disease when he's only twelve years old. Now, I know myself and there's no way I could do this quickly with some drastic diet or lifestyle change. I can't even commit to Weight Watchers. But I can make little changes here and there that will add up: I can't wait until it's not dark when I get home from work so that I can start taking walks again. Until then, I may try out the new indoor track at the community center near work. I can bring Jacob with me and wear the Bjorn or push his stroller, serious runners be damned. I need to eat a serving of fruit with breakfast and make sure I have a serving (or more) of veggies with each meal. I can start replacing my 3PM chocolate snack with a yogurt or applesauce most days. I say most because what I cannot commit to is never having another slice of that 3-level Chocolate Mousse Cake from the Greek boys' deli. But maybe I can save it for a reward every time I lose 5lbs. And I can remind myself that until I hit my goal of 175, I cannot start trying to conceive a second child.

So, with that, I will sign off so that I can add some tickers to this blog!

A Year (and a little extra) In Review

December 25, 2008- I spend the day doing what my husband calls "waffling" at our family events. I had a pregnancy loss that I found out about in early October, and I just couldn't believe we had conceived again so quickly and I did not want to believe the three positive pregnancy tests I had taken. (Well, I did want to believe them, I just couldn't quite let myself get excited.) Finally, at dinner with my family, I blurt out "you know, we need to talk about vacation this year."

Blank stares. "Because John and I are probably not going to be able to do a whole lot in August.

My grandmother, who is suffering from a lot (and would pass away the following July), has trouble hearing, and seems to be out of the loop on most conversations, smirks to herself.

I try again, "because I'm either going to have a baby or be about to have a baby."

Finally, my sister does the math in her head and screams, "you're pregnant?!" I nod, and then explain that I haven't seen a doctor yet so I'm not "officially" pregnant until then. Everyone is very excited regardless, with the exception of my stone cold dad, who says, "I'll get excited after your doctor's appointment." In a way, I ruined Christmas, because all focus after that was one the future member of our family.

December 26, 2008- Even though my appointment is not until the 9th of January, I can't keep it in any longer and have to tell my husband's family. We walk in to my mother in law's house and go back to the bedroom where she is changing my niece's diaper. I look at my niece, who is 13 months, and say, "Do you want a cousin?" She giggles. "Do you want a cousin in August?" She laughs really loudly. My husband's brother and mom also take a second to do the math, and then get very excited.

New Year's 2009- We go to a very close friend's house. I am fairly sure that they can tell I am with child considering the fact that I down heartburn meds, drink half of their gallon of milk, and fall asleep on their couch at 8:30. Luckily, they don't mention it, as good friends should.

January 9, 2009- I see my baby's heartbeat on ultrasound for the first time. I had been so nervous because I had spotted all through the first 7 weeks of the pregnancy, and the last time I had been to this office was October when we received the devastating news that we were not, in fact, going to have a baby. To ease my fears they break the usual first appointment protocol and do an ultrasound. I don't think I would have made it through the next month without that reassurance!

Feb-July 2009- I'm pregnant. We'll skip over a lot of this because the people who read my blog have either heard it all or experienced it all. Some high points: getting to wear flip-flops all summer, getting out of yardwork all summer, floating in the cool ocean at Sandbridge Beach in Virginia in late June (absolute bliss), finding out that I was having a son (for those that didn't know, I was terrified of having a girl and had a "feeling" it was a boy all along), and our 'babymoon' to the beach in May. We really spent that time relaxing, enjoying each other's company, and talking about our future.

Some lowlights: having to wear flip-flops the last 2 months because my feet were so swollen, completely neglecting the yard and never getting around to planting a garden, the last two weeks of work at 39 and 40 weeks pregnant, not being able to go to Cape Lookout in July because the boat ride would have been too hard on my 35-week-pregnant body, not being able to sleep the last 12 or so weeks, and the fact that my body didn't naturally go into spontaneous labor and allow me to have the natural, med-free birth experience I had prepared for. Overall, I feel that I had a really easy pregnancy, especially considering my obesity putting me at risk for any pregnancy complication you can think of.

August 24, 2009- I am 41 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I have spent the last week relaxing at home and trying not-too-hard to get the baby to come, mostly by walking miles around my neighborhood and downtown. We visit the doctor and while Jacob passes his test with flying colors, I do not have enough fluid in my uterus to let him hang out any longer, and we plan an induction that night. I cry the whole way home to pack, as I am certain this means I am headed towards a c-section.

August 25, 2009- After 22 hours of labor (about 9 of those involving increasingly intense but surprisingly manageable contractions) and barely dilating, we decide to go ahead and have a c-section. I will spare the details of my entire birth story, but suffice it to say that things move very quickly, and although we made the decision at 5:40, my son arrives within the hour at 6:36. My husband and I sprout tears as soon as we hear that tiny little cry, and the proudest moment of my life is when John arrives from the nursery 10 minutes later beaming as he carries our healthy baby boy.

September 2009- A month of tears, both happy and sad. Happy because my hormones were so out of control that I cried almost every time I held, fed, or watched someone else interact with my son. Sad because my hormones were so out of control that every time he whimpered, I burst into tears myself. My major accomplishments were being able to exclusively breast feed, and take a shower every day.

October 2009- Arguably, the best month of my life so far. Jacob started smiling, sleeping through the night, and interacting. We took daily walks, I took a ton of pictures, and I lost the rest of my pregnancy weight. We went to a moms in motion class twice a week and I got to interact with other new moms, and Jacob got to see other babies for the first time. We took our first trip at the end of the month to Philadelphia and we were so proud of him! I kept the kitchen clean and the laundry done, and overall we were all healthy and happy.

November 2009- I became a working mom! Getting into the swing of things was easier than I thought it would be, although the end of the month was frustrating as my milk supply wavered and I wasn't sure that I would be able to keep breastfeeding. Thanksgiving started out wonderful and ended up with Jacob spending the hour and a half we were at my family's celebration screaming and refusing to eat. The booger smiled as soon as I put him on the changing table in his room, just happy to be home.

December 2009- More ups and downs. The beginning was so stressful as I worried how I was ever going to prepare for the holidays with a 3 month old in the house. We took a weekend trip to D.C., which he excelled at, and I came back ready to enjoy his first Christmas even if it meant neglecting the housework for a few weeks. Christmas was definitely better than Thanksgiving...he turned 4 months old and everyone in our families thought he was the most alert, adorable, advanced 4 month old they had ever seen.

As I look back over the year behind me, I cannot believe how lucky I am. So many people are in distress, and I have a job, a wonderful husband, a home, a supportive extended family, a sweet dog, and a happy, healthy, loving little boy. My life could not be any better right now, and I am so excited to experience all the things to come in the next decade as I watch over it all.

Let me whine about having a job.

So. There's a large argument about whether it's harder to be a working mom or a stay at home mom. I know that each comes with it's own challenges, and that if I stayed home all day every day I would eventually go crazy and revert to speaking only baby talk and saying things like "poopy diapey" and listening to the KidSongs channel on digital cable.

However, this holiday season has been the hardest two weeks of my life. Before December happened, I felt pretty comfortable in my "working mom" role. I think we had a decent routine down. Jacob was sleeping pretty well at night and going down between 8-9PM, which gave me time to get his bottles ready for the next day, clean the kitchen, do a load of laundry, and still spend an hour or so relaxing with my husband. On weekends we enjoyed family time and caught up on housework.

On Black Friday, I spent the slow workday getting about 60% of my Christmas shopping done online. I was feeling pretty good about things. Then all of a sudden, everything happened at once. I realized that we had plans every weekend day of the next 6 weeks, my supply of breastmilk took a nosedive, and the outlet our chest freezer was plugged into tripped and we lost about $600 worth of meat, heat and eat meals, and my precious extra breastmilk. All of a sudden I was spending extra time "power pumping" and baking lactation cookies to try to get my milk back up, and Jacob started going to bed later and getting up earlier, causing my 6AM-11PM days to feel like they were nonstop.

I freaked out. Completely. I spent two weeks so stressed out about how I was ever going to decorate, clean the house, and get all these presents wrapped that I had no time left over to actually do those things. I was a mess...snapping at my husband, crying at the drop of a hat, sleepwalking through work. I felt like I had some kind of late-onset Post Partum Depression.

I don't know how, but one way or another I made it through and just as quickly as it started, I relaxed. I did some more online retail therapy, preventing me from having to make shopping trips for Christmas. I got really excited about my ebates account and the fat check I'm going to receive in February as a result of all this time spent online. My boobs miraculously started producing more milk. And I went to Target, bought a bunch of gift bags, and said "screw wrapping"!

Now, my tree is up, my kitchen is (somewhat) clean, my living room carpet is vacuumed, I actually got cards in the mail for the first time ever, gifts are DONE (except my brother in law's 6 pack of beer. Yes, that's really what he asked for), and I'm going shopping with a friend tonight. Just for fun.

I'm finally able to do what I wanted all along: enjoy my son's first Christmas.

Because every Thanksgiving ends with a bottle of wine, right?

Luckily, only half of our Thanksgiving was a massive fail. Actually, even less than half. But unfortunately it was the half that involved my family, with my sister who drove 7 hours from Philly and my dear wonderful cousins that I grew up with and my dad who is almost never in town anymore. Here's how it went down:

We wanted to go to the church service this morning and since we live 25 minutes from church and my mother in law lives 5 minutes (and the service started at 7AM) we spent the night at mother in law's. J slept great all night in the pack and play in his own little room, which means that mid-December when Mama and Daddy have an adult party to go to, J will be doing his first overnight with a grandparent! Big win there. Church was pretty good...he was fussy at first but it's a casual service so I didn't feel the least bit out of place standing at the back rocking him to naptime. He took a nearly 3 hour nap before we went to my husband's grandparents, so I figured that exhaustion would not be an issue. He did really well at the big family celebration. He got passed around and smiled and talked and lied on the floor and entertained everyone, and of course we were all so enamored with him. He was the epitome of what "bundle of joy" means.

He napped again from 2-3, and then in the car between houses, so I thought he was pretty well rested when we arrived at my cousin's house just before 6 for my family's Thanksgiving. I was really excited because it's the first time some of my extended family have met him. My sister made a beeline for him as soon as he stirred, and I knew he was getting hungry so I told her to bring him to me when he started to fuss.

I had eaten 3 pieces of cheese, 3 olives, and popped open the top to a Diet Mug Root Beer when the crying started. I settled on the couch with the pillow, burp cloth, and hooter hider and discreetly un-snapped my bra while my 4 year old cousin asked a million questions about what I was doing and why the baby ate from under my shirt. Sis set J down and He. Did. Not. Latch. O.K. That has never happened, in three months of having a perfect baby who goes easily between the breast and bottles of pumped milk (of which I had none). He screamed on my nipple like it was the worst thing I could have put in his mouth. I thought maybe he was hot, so I took his pants and socks off. No help. So I went upstairs to a room no one was using, took off his onesie, didn't put him under the cover. Nothing. Just screaming. I started crying while I was walking around the room with him. For nearly an hour I would get him calm, try the boob, back to more screaming. My sister took him into the nursery, put on soft music, soft lights, humidifier, rocked him, while I sat in the other room crying on my mom's shoulder. H finally got him calmed down enough that I went into the nursery. He was lying on the floor sucking on her finger. We tried nursing and voila! All was well. For about 7 minutes.

Then he went right back to screaming. My husband came in and we did everything we could to calm him but nothing worked for more than 3 minutes at a time. So finally, defeated and deflated and upset, we trudged back downstairs, packed him in his carseat, and left. Well, I left, barely able to even say goodbye to my family without erupting into a wailing mess. My hubby had to say goodbyes and answer everyone's questions. They mean well. They asked if I was ok, offered to take J so we could eat. He declined and explained that we really just think he's overwhelmed and needed to get home.

So, not he's asleep in his own crib. The little bugger started smiling as soon as I put him on the changing table. He nursed like a dream and went right to sleep.

Now mama is going downstairs to crack open a bottle of wine, clean my kitchen, and wait for my little sister to show up with dinner plates.

Let's hope we can handle the Christmas schedule with a little more grace.

What I Know About God

He exists.

And I see him when you smile at me, when you burrow your head into my neck, and when all the expression leaves your face as you drift into peaceful sleep.

For a long time I backed away from God and religion. I knew I felt something was out there, but I didn't believe in Jesus. I needed proof. Most Christians I know said the Bible was their proof, but I just couldn't help but think that the Bible was written by men, and how on earth could we trust these men? For a long time I floundered in a sort of netherland, thinking that it really didn't matter anyway, because things were going to be what they were.

And then my son was born. And five days later, on a Sunday, I sat rocking him in his nursery after a feeding, looking at his content face, wondering if it was really just science that gave every mammal the special ability to produce the milk their babies needed to grow, when my own personal revelation hit me like a light bulb. Literally, it was as though a light were shining from God onto my little boy's face in front of me, and I whispered to myself "this is the proof I've been asking for". The most perfect gift, entrusted to me to take care of by a God that chose to give him to me even though I had denied Him. What an amazing moment in my life. I will forever be thankful to God for entrusting me with this life, and thankful to my beautiful son for reintroducing me to our Creator.

Does It Have To End So Soon?

I cannot believe this day is here. My maternity leave is over. Monday morning I have to get up at 6AM, pack anything that Jacob will ever need in a normal day (and then some extras), and take him to daycare so that I can go to work at 8. How did it go by this fast?

Six weeks ago, I was thinking "oh, I'll be ready for work. Adult interaction, not wearing pajamas all day, making money, etc." and then my boy started sleeping at night and smiling at me. Now, I'm not ready. Sure, I'm trying to tell myself that it will be so nice to spend my lunch breaks dropping by to nurse him, and that his grin when I pick him up at 5:30 will be the highlight of my day. But I also realize that I will go from spending nearly every waking moment with my son to only seeing him for 3 hours a night.

And to make matters worse, I spent today at an eye appointment and a spa appointment. Sweet Jesus, what was I thinking a month ago when I scheduled these? No one can ever complain about a three hour spa trip, but when all I have wanted to do all week was curl up on the bed and play with my sweet little baby, it has definitely made last night's anniversary date and today's massage seem...insignificant.

In case you don't believe how hard this is going to be (and any mom would, so this is really for the non-parents out there), THIS is what I'll be missing:

Could you leave this behind?

They Say It Can't Be Done...

I'm here to prove them wrong.

I just lurve how everyone who has or has not given birth and/or raised a child loves to dole out advice before the baby arrives. I am guilty of this as I have two close friends due this winter, but I have forewarned both of them with a disclaimer that I can be told to shut up at any time. I have also done two things: tried to wait until they broach the subject before offering my two cents, and tried to remain positive. My absolute pet peeve is when women tell a pregnant woman how much her life is going to "change" (aka "suck") when baby is here.

Come on, people! Your life does not end...of course you get less sleep, of course you make sacrifices, but it is all so worth it when your baby looks at you and you know they recognize you. If it sucked all that bad, why did you have two? And honestly, you can still do adult things!

Behold, my proof:

This is my artistic statement. On Sunday, I had a lovely brunch with my husband, sister, brother in law, and yes, my two month old son at a white tablecloth restaurant in Philadelphia. It was wonderful. Jacob amused himself by looking around at everything before having a meal and falling asleep in my lap.



And one of the waitresses let me change him on one of the tables upstairs in a room no one was using. Think about that the next time you wonder if you should wash your hands before eating.