I am writing this letter to you tonight on my blog because I can't find your baby journal that I've been keeping since before your birth, and you have just created a wave of emotions in me so huge that I need to let it all out to keep from bursting. I am crying and smiling and at the same time, aching that I can't go crawl into your crib and curl up around your little turtle body as you fall asleep. For I have just had an amazing Mommy Moment.
For me, it's the smallest things that bring me joy. Today, and for the whole weekend really, you have been a little down, clingy yet distant, and nonchalant about Mama. When I picked you up from daycare today you were happy to see me, but then you turned and reached for your teacher. At my parent's house, when I picked you up you would turn and cry at Nonni, wanting her to hold you instead. I have to admit, I felt a little jealous, a little jaded. Little babies are supposed to want their mommies above anyone, and I was rejected. When it comes to you, though, I know I can never hold on to that jealousy long because you are a fickle creature, and sometimes you just don't know what you want.
Tonight, you happened to just want home. Your dog, your toys, your room, and your parents all to yourself. Despite being tired, you played and smiled and danced and cruised all around the living room, reaching for me and daddy from time to time, happy to have our undivided attention. And when I got ready to put you to bed, something happened to erase all of my rejection anxiety. Lately, I've been holding you a little before bed, and you've allowed yourself to doze in my arms. I really lucked out to get such a good sleeper: for a long stretch, you would actually cry to be put in your crib at bedtime and it's only recently that you will let me hold you after nursing. I usually stand by the window and stare at your precious face, whispering to you how beautiful you are and how much I love you. Then I lay you gently in your crib and you flip right over and curl into a ball.
But tonight, you stretched out on your back, opened your eyes, and grinned up at me. Full open mouth, teeth bared grin. And then in the light of your seahorse, you sucked a little air in while smiling, like a teeny little gasp-giggle, what I've come to know as your contentedly happy noise. I smiled down at you and whispered "I love you soooo much" and then crouched, putting my face next to your crib. You stared at me, smiling, and stretched your hand out through the slats of your crib and touched my mouth. The look in your face as I kissed your fingers is something that I will cherish as long as I live, son. Such trust, and love, and joy at seeing your mom smile and whisper good night. I couldn't help but start crying, which seemed to get you even more excited. I didn't want to leave, but I knew the longer I stayed the more awake you would become.
Thank you, Jacob, for giving me such an overflowing feeling of love tonight. And keep up those good sleep habits so that in a couple of years, every now and then at least, I really can climb into your little toddler bed, curl myself around you, and stroke your hair until you are deep into sleep.
I love you more than life itself.